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Why You Are Stuck in the Negatives of Your Relationship

Why You Are Stuck in the Negatives of Your Relationship

Why You Are Stuck in the Negatives of Your Relationship


    Healthy relationships take work. We all know that. But they offer so many rewards that it makes the work totally worth the effort. If it didn’t, why would we bother? It’s way easier to act out or listen to old mindsets than it is to work toward actual change and personal growth.


    We found that there is inner peace to be found through soul searching. Facing inner turmoil and angst provided much needed relief from the pressures that had built up inside us - pressures that had pushed us toward addictive and codependent behaviors in the first place. But it’s not easy to change habits that we have built over years.


    Here are the three big reasons you are having a hard time changing how you conduct yourself with your loved one.


  1. It’s familiar. As we said, you are following habitual patterns that you spent years putting in place. Who can blame you for continuing to do so? But the old saying goes “familiarity breeds contempt”. It also breeds boredom. Neither of these are feelings you want to associate with you relationship with your loved one.

  2. Your partner is doing the same. He/she may not even realize they have fallen into old habits or that they are even prone to following bad habits at all. But if they are, it is very easy to do the same, whether consciously or unconsciously. Have the two of you ever taken the time to - lovingly - look at your relationship to see where stumbling blocks in communication occur regularly?

  3. It’s easy. Perhaps you have been with your partner long enough that you basically put your input on auto-pilot, which requires little or no work and little or no thought. This behavior is understandable after a hard day at work or one filled with challenges, but it does nothing to create a healthy relationship. You need to put forth effort - not every moment of every day - but on a regular and consistent basis.  


    So how do we reconnect when distance and complacency has become so ingrained in us? As with everything else, the awareness is a huge component. But then it takes the effort of both partners to change, to shift, to mix things up in order to move towards the positive aspects of the relationship. This can be fun and exciting and we can move away from the blame games and into mysterious reconnection with one another.

     Use what you know about the person you love. Connect with them in respects to the things they love, even if you don’t. When this goes both ways there is a very solid balance that occurs. This balance keeps us from learning too much to the negative, but like we said before, let’s be real, the boat needs to rock to keep us on our toes, to keep us growing and flourishing. Just keep your eyes open!

     If you want to keep up to date with tips and guidance from us and haven’t already make sure to join our list HERE where you get weekly emails that will lead to a more happy healthy relationship in recovery and LOVE!


Why I am Grateful My Husband is in Jail: A Lesson in Confidence

I haven't written here in awhile. Lately doing video blogs have been quicker and easier for me but there is something about writing that I really connect with and find soothing and healing. 

And it is funny because this is all part of my journey. Previously I didn't feel super confident being in front of the camera. Not only that, I didn't feel confident about many other things as well. Having this new temporary freedom, or gift from the Universal Spirits as I like to refer to it, I have been forced to do things I never thought I would. 

One of the biggest things I am realizing is that I am UNCOMFORTABLE. For example, in everyday life without my husband here, in my soul, in my skin somedays, in my thoughts sometimes. As I write this I realize that my state of being is quite "off" to put it simply. I have felt like I am floating around on a cloud under the surface of the earth. Buried but free, it is a very odd feeling as you can imagine. So let me put it like this for any of the introverts out there. You know that feeling when you walk into a party with a bunch of people you don't know and feel super out of place. Like the thought of every little thing you wear, say or do runs through your head. Well that is the discomfort I am talking about that I experience in myself many days.. Yet, I have become okay with these feelings. Not comfortable with them quite yet but certainly become able to accept them. And as a result I have less anxiety, I have more joy and I live in the moment more often. 

I am pretty all over the place these days and although I judge myself sometimes for not being an ideal super mom that doesn't exist, I sustain the mantra "you are doing awesome." This helps so much even though sometimes it makes me cry because I am in awe of how far I have come, how much I have grown in the last 3 months. The part that is challenging right now is thinking that I may have another three months to go. I feel my energy lacking and time losing meaning as I continue on this path. But as I feel a loss of daily love from my husband and energy in my life, I feel a rejuvenated, self-induced passion that is completely dependent on me and only me. Talk about a confidence booster.

That is HUGE for someone with the disease of codependency. I used to seek my confidence and happiness in my husband. If he wasn't happy I wasn't happy so my goal was to make him happy so that I could be happy. I will tell you how effective that's NOT. With the space I have been given I am now able to catch myself when I get stuck in these patterns, having thoughts about how to make him happy in prison, what can I tell him to do, say, read, write in order to uplift him. Then I realize the profoundness of his distance, I can do nothing to control his happiness. I can add accents of happiness to his life but I cannot be his source of happiness just as he cannot be mine. 

I used to take on all the responsibility for fear that he would not be able to handle it or it was too much for him. In hindsight I now see that I was robbing him of the ability to try to stand on his own two feet and face his life head on. That immediately took down his confidence to approach real life. I was trying to protect him but I was hurting him by not letting him be responsible for his own life. This is a HUGE realization. If you have experienced this in your life, take a look at who you may be trying to protect. 

We need confidence to live to breath to take steps forward to grow. If we are preventing people from feeling the ups and downs they will never get anywhere in life. 

This is the time for me to let my husband fall or fly and for me to do the same. And guess what it's going to make us stronger individually and able to thrive as a couple. 

What makes you feel more confident in your life? Do you get that feeling from yourself or others? Let me know in the comments below!

What is Means to Have Courage as a Mom

 Recently I have found myself connecting to a prayer. I used to never pray and I am still not sure what I believe in. But like I have talked about before, I do believe in something greater than myself it is just not defined in my mind, heart and soul (yet). But this prayer speaks to me daily, 
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. " 
This is referred to as the serenity prayer, I also like to call it the peace prayer because it gave me piece of mind and peace in my heart during difficult times. What I failed to see in this prayer for a very long time was the word COURAGE. After some time it became easier for me to accept the things I could not change in my life, especially people in my life and their actions. However, I never gave much attention to the COURAGE to change the things I can. I have come to realize that really the ONLY thing I can change in my life is MYSELF. As a mother I contemplate what this means. And I recognize many places it applies but mostly it is with my behaviors towards my children. It takes courage to not yell, to let things slide, to put your foot down calmly....all these things take way more courage to conquer a fear than we think.

     I spoke to someone the other day who was talking to me about courage and she told me that the word comes from a Latin word meaning "whole-hearted" and when I heard this I couldn't have been more struck by the truth behind that definition, it made this word even more powerful to me. It caused me to stop in my tracks and think about what that it really meant to have courage. Courage = Whole-Hearted. Which to me means an incredible amount on strength to step out of a comfort zone that is SO comfortable! 

       We get very complacent in our lives without even knowing it especially for me when it comes to parenting. When we have a desire of wanting to do something new and different our instincts tell us to back off and that it is dangerous territory. And it totally is dangerous territory to our psyche because it is unchartered, scary territory. Remember like I talked about the other week how fear can truly hold us down and keep us from taking steps forward. So when we have the strength to even LOOK for the courage within ourselves to step into that unknown place that is frightening it is really an amazing accomplishment, even if it is just a tiny step. It without a doubt takes a WHOLE-HEART to muster up that courage to take a new step in an uncomfortable direction. For me when I want to try a new thing with my children or STOP a behavior that is not benefiting myself or my children I always meet much resistance in my head and my heart.

       So what the heck is a whole heart? Yea, most of us physically have a whole heart but when we refer to it in a non-physical form it is so much different. To me it means putting your all, your everything, your fears and loves and desires out in the open, to share, to give, to be aware of others feelings. To be aware of your own feelings and to listen to those feelings and to honor others'. To feel that you deserve everything you want in life and to go after it. To believe that you have gifts that the world needs to experience and to take steps to share them. All of these things, to me, are part of a whole heart and a courageous mind.

     I am writing about courage and a whole-heart because we all have it within us and most of us use it daily, especially mothers - without even knowing it. We have to be resourceful and prepared and aware of what comes at us on a daily basis. I think that even when we do a very small thing that makes us nervous we are taking a courageous action. Many times you don't even notice that you are doing it. It could be trying a new sleep routine with your child or experimenting with a new food, or reaching out to a friend that you need a little help. These are all little steps of courage we take. I find that when I notice them and give them attention they grow into bigger and more courageous actions. As mothers we constantly surprise ourselves with what we can handle on a day to day basis. It's pretty awesome.

       I invite you to take a look at the things you do on a daily basis that cause you discomfort and find some peace in the fact that that discomfort means that you had to find COURAGE within yourself to do that thing. Take pride in that and be happy with yourself that you took a step towards growing as a person. Not only does that improve your life and make you feel good inside but you are naturally showing your children what it means to be brave and have courage. It doesn't mean conquering a mountain it means using your whole-heart to move forward and become a better you. 

Love & Light!
Julie Bel