I haven't written here in awhile. Lately doing video blogs have been quicker and easier for me but there is something about writing that I really connect with and find soothing and healing.
And it is funny because this is all part of my journey. Previously I didn't feel super confident being in front of the camera. Not only that, I didn't feel confident about many other things as well. Having this new temporary freedom, or gift from the Universal Spirits as I like to refer to it, I have been forced to do things I never thought I would.
One of the biggest things I am realizing is that I am UNCOMFORTABLE. For example, in everyday life without my husband here, in my soul, in my skin somedays, in my thoughts sometimes. As I write this I realize that my state of being is quite "off" to put it simply. I have felt like I am floating around on a cloud under the surface of the earth. Buried but free, it is a very odd feeling as you can imagine. So let me put it like this for any of the introverts out there. You know that feeling when you walk into a party with a bunch of people you don't know and feel super out of place. Like the thought of every little thing you wear, say or do runs through your head. Well that is the discomfort I am talking about that I experience in myself many days.. Yet, I have become okay with these feelings. Not comfortable with them quite yet but certainly become able to accept them. And as a result I have less anxiety, I have more joy and I live in the moment more often.
I am pretty all over the place these days and although I judge myself sometimes for not being an ideal super mom that doesn't exist, I sustain the mantra "you are doing awesome." This helps so much even though sometimes it makes me cry because I am in awe of how far I have come, how much I have grown in the last 3 months. The part that is challenging right now is thinking that I may have another three months to go. I feel my energy lacking and time losing meaning as I continue on this path. But as I feel a loss of daily love from my husband and energy in my life, I feel a rejuvenated, self-induced passion that is completely dependent on me and only me. Talk about a confidence booster.
That is HUGE for someone with the disease of codependency. I used to seek my confidence and happiness in my husband. If he wasn't happy I wasn't happy so my goal was to make him happy so that I could be happy. I will tell you how effective that is....it's NOT. With the space I have been given I am now able to catch myself when I get stuck in these patterns, having thoughts about how to make him happy in prison, what can I tell him to do, say, read, write in order to uplift him. Then I realize the profoundness of his distance, I can do nothing to control his happiness. I can add accents of happiness to his life but I cannot be his source of happiness just as he cannot be mine.
I used to take on all the responsibility for fear that he would not be able to handle it or it was too much for him. In hindsight I now see that I was robbing him of the ability to try to stand on his own two feet and face his life head on. That immediately took down his confidence to approach real life. I was trying to protect him but I was hurting him by not letting him be responsible for his own life. This is a HUGE realization. If you have experienced this in your life, take a look at who you may be trying to protect.
We need confidence to live to breath to take steps forward to grow. If we are preventing people from feeling the ups and downs they will never get anywhere in life.
This is the time for me to let my husband fall or fly and for me to do the same. And guess what it's going to make us stronger individually and able to thrive as a couple.
What makes you feel more confident in your life? Do you get that feeling from yourself or others? Let me know in the comments below!