Viewing entries tagged
comfort zone

How to Really Know Your Comfort Zone

You hear it, you read it, you see it posted. Everyone, everywhere is saying that your comfort zone is a place of non-productivity and developmental gridlock. They say that life begins at the end of your comfort zone or that change only occurs when you are on your feet, fully engaged, and off of the couch. They tell you to get comfortable with discomfort and that, to truly live, you need to thrive on uncertainty. Turn off the TV, get away from the computer, put away the cookies, take a shower, and prepare to enter the world outside your front door. Participate in something new and with people with whom you are unfamiliar. 

    As an advocate for positive change, I agree with all of the above. I know how hard it is to truly change, even for a person who really wants to do so. Therefore, I agree with the idea that most people benefit greatly from constant reminders that change takes a lot of work. And a lot of desire and dedication. Sometimes the people who most want to change are those who most greatly resist it, so it is natural to rely on the repetition of mantras and affirmations, almost to the point of harassment, as a means to get these people moving.

    However, if you look around enough, if you listen to what’s happening outside your own mind, if you seek answers from those who are (presumably) wiser, more enlightened, and closer to the “answers,” you begin to realize that a lot of people are just saying the same thing over and over. They keep rehashing the same old trite sayings. They show you a pretty picture of themselves doing yoga or eating a healthy meal or sitting on a beautiful beach. They tell you that all you have to do is listen to them and you will have
whatever it is you desire, usually in the form of a soul mate, a bunch of money, or a smoking hot body. 


    Far be it from me to belittle the very reasonable desire to have these goals in your life; when I was single, I looked for a mate, I have struggled with body image issues, and self-induced stress over money concerns has led me down some dark roads in my life. And certainly, I understand what it is like to be so incredibly stubborn and stuck in your ways that you would prefer to be on the easy and familiar ground of misery rather than on the difficult and uncertain road to happiness. So I understand why seeing and hearing these messages of hope over and over can spur a person on to make incredible changes in his life. It’s the constant tap on the shoulder, the smiling wave from the beach, the gentle whisper in the ear “Do you want to keep living your life this way? Is mediocrity all that you want, or are you willing to reach for extraordinary? Will you continue to stifle your heartfelt desires with the daily cocktail hour, or will you spread your wings and truly live?” A big wave will move from sand around, but the repetition of the tide will reshape the entire beach. 

    The problem arises when a person looks to another person to provide him with ALL the answers to his questions, to the ONLY solution to his problems. I see so much similarity among those who would bestow upon you THE way to happiness, because easy answers are conveniently passed around. The basic blueprint is to hit a few pain points then offer a simple solution with the promise of a shiny new life. Just sign up, and your future bliss is assured. 

    Certainly, some of these people will help you change your life. And many will tell you up front that they will help guide you, but they won’t do the work for you. But too many of them will take your money then throw a lot of recycled cliches at you, unconcerned about who you are as a unique individual, with nuances of personality, unexplained phobias, and flashes of brilliance. 

    This life is what you make of it. You can shine like the sun or stay in the shade. You can unleash your spirit and let it cruise throughout the solar system, or keep it close to home. You can mingle with and wade among all the people of the earth, or you can be stoically introverted. Who is to say which of these paths is right? Who is to say which of the infinite choices that lay in front of you, in this life, is the best? At any given time, in any given place, circumstances are uniquely yours, as are the questions that you have to answer. Or you may choose to ignore them all.

    You are the ultimate authority to decide what is best for you. When seeking advice, be sure to ponder it thoroughly before heeding it. A guide will help you find the answers that already lie within but which elude you. A charlatan will fill your head with pretty colors that quickly fade and leave you more confused and lost than before. And just because you hear something from many sources, that doesn’t mean it is advice that is wisely followed. Propagation through repetition of an idea does not denote personal accuracy or relevancy. 

    That being said, is all this comfort-zone-bashing beneficial to your particular life? Man has struggled and fought with other men, as well as with himself, since the day he emerged from the primordial ooze, to establish a place of safety, ease, and well-being : a comfort zone. We work hard to make a living, to ascertain our self-identity, to carve a space into our reality where we feel we belong. When we achieve these things, should we not enjoy them? Why struggle if you can’t enjoy the fruits of your labor? You built the zone, so take comfort in it! There is no reason not to revel in it, to lounge in it, to get naked and roll around in it.

    Until...

    Your comfort zone is the only place you dare to tread. The only reason that your comfort zone is comfortable is that everywhere and everything else terrifies you. You vaguely remember life before your comfort zone, but it has been so long since you ventured from the bubble, you no longer have any idea how you would get around “out there.” 

    The choice is, and always will be, entirely yours as to whether or not (or when, or how often) you leave your comfort zone. Should you decide to let someone else run your life, you still have made the decision to relinquish control. And you can always take it back. Just make the decision based on what drives you toward joy, as opposed to that which leads you from fear. Let your happiness steer your spirit through the times and places that you experience, whether anyone else agrees with your decisions or not (I don’t care how many weeks his book was on the NY Times best-seller list).

    Ain’t nothing wrong with chilling on the couch...

Uncertainty

     Uncertainty is a common thread that flows through everyone’s life. What is not common is each person’s comfort with its presence. Some people seem to be very comfortable with uncertainty. They assume that whatever comes their way will be for the best and that everything will work out. Others hate it. If they had their way, they would know what is going to happen, when it’s going to happen, why, how, where...no room for surprises.


    As a rule, those who are uncomfortable with uncertainty are less optimistic than those who are. If you are uncomfortable with not knowing what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week, it may be due to the fact that you think something bad is coming your way. You want to be able to prepare for it, so you can lessen the impact of the damage that will descend upon your life. Knowing what is going to go wrong enables you to dodge the brunt of the oncoming storm. 


    People who are not too focused on what exactly is going to happen next week are generally more optimistic about the inevitable flow of their lives. They are confident that the Universe has their back. If the unexpected arises, it will be even better than what they had planned. They don’t need to know when the shit is going to hit the fan, because they assume that it never will, or if it does, it won’t create too big a mess.  
    I find myself somewhere in between, although I tend toward the “discomfort” side - closer than I care to be and certainly closer than I care to admit. Although I espouse positivity, the Law of Attraction, and the idea that your thoughts create your future, I still have doubts. I have moments (and days) where I fear for the future - mine, my family’s, and all of mankind’s. I call myself chronically optimistic, but not constantly optimistic. Although my optimism always wins in the end, I still battle doubt and disbelief at times in my life. I waver. I guess that means I’m still human. 


    For those of us who are uncomfortable with uncertainty, it is beneficial to remember that uncertainty doesn't have to bring about fear or trepidation. It can instead arouse curiosity and excitement. We've all heard about happy accidents. The things that surprise us, the things that we don't plan for often are the things that make life sweet. These are the things that we remember - more so than the plans that went perfectly. People say "I love it when a plan comes together" but they don't REMEMBER it. What they do remember is when a plan falls apart. For better or worse, these times are what make us who we are and shape us as human beings. They teach us and inspire us. They give us a depth that we don’t have if we always get our way. Often times Plan B is better than plan A anyway because of the lessons we learn and the unsought knowledge obtained It’s rare that unforeseen circumstances lead to the conclusion that whatever we were doing was a total waste of time. Rather, usually we experience a HAPPY accident. There is a pleasant shock to the system.


    "Well…. I didn't see that coming, but COOL!"